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For with the Jungle Jims getting bumped by Clyde last time round and 2 ofthe Hearts/Reds and Buns/Hubs going out this round the SFA will be creamingthemselves at watching their showpiece event and it's Semi's attended bycrowds like those for the Tin Pot Cup Semis...so it would come at nosurprise to see the winners of both the above ties kept apart til May usingthe old alleged 'ways'.Ah the Jambos in the Cup some many memories...well 2 actually...one a joyous day the other a day that is probably assured a place in my '10 Shitiest Days of my Life'.
First up the bad yin the '96 Cup Semi at Hampden. I recall very little ofthe trip down or even of the game itself though it was probably the usualmix of excessive drinkin and copious recrational drug taking (hence the hazyrecall) enroute followed by the usual creation of merry choas upon arrivalin the City of Slums. I do recall being pissed off at what was a prettyhalf arsed and spartan show of Reds that day too.
Where things do become clear was the last 2 minutes...we were a goal downand Shearer equalised prompting a bounce during which my best mate wasknocked backwards over the empty seat in front of him and then landed on byinnumerous Dandies (myself included) who'd louped the seats in celebrationthe net effect of which was later diagnosed as a broken ankle.Me and a mate where helping him to the First Aid point when Hearts, againstthe tradition established by Henry Smith of throwin away leads in the last 5mnutes of Cup Semis went scored a winner.
Embarrassed by choking to the biggest chokers on the planet we eventuallygot my mate back on the Mini bus and in a paricularily bleak and black moodset out for the long long journey North I think we'd reached East Kilbridewhen the engine on the went and we limped of into some sort of Hotel/Pubthing. Now being in the age before mobiles were in common use we then hadto wait whilst the Driver tried to arrange alternative transportation home.
Thus it was 20 odd embittered pissed off and angry Reds found themselves ina Hotel Car Park when like a vision sent by the Gods....moving towards uswas a Maroon Lothian Transport 'Corpie' Double Decker packed wi Jambos.
It's the type of Tim like behaviour but everyone launched what they had tohand (mostly tinnies but a few stones). Amazingly even though drunks areworse throwers than girls a window or two on the Corpie Bus went in. The Bus then stopped...Now if I was writing one of those hoolie books I'd describe what happenednext as a 'strategic withdrawl due to heavier numbers' to save face but thefact is half our lot legged into the pub and the rest got battered. I myselfrecall fellin one of the first Jambos to reach us with a deft combination ofa headbutt and well placed DM to the knackers but then going down under atsunami o punches and boots before seeking sanctuary (ok hiding) underneatha Fiat Uno.
I think we finally got back to Stoney and limped (literally) off ourreplacement mini bus about half one in the morning and I staggered half cutand bruised to the birds who perhaps unreasonably after 18 months of seeingme return fae similar excursions decided enough was enough and telt us taefuck off.Out the Cup,battered and no gettin ma Nat King Cole ....days really dinnacome much shittier than that brothers and sisters.
As for the ither een well it was almost the Polar opposite. Pre Match liketoday the Jam Farts had been giving it the big un about how we were a clubin decline and how they were the emerging threat to the OF (I know spookyinnit ?) with Wallet Merger and thon Fat Gobshite John Robertson the mainculprits.(see what I mean)
We maintiained a classy dignified silence and come match day we ripped themto shit. Hearts may have been on the same pitch but they werenae on thesame planet in terms of class and ability...Charlie Nick and Hansy the Pansybein executioners in chief. But in the second half you almost saw somesadistic pleasure on oor players as they took the piss and showed Hearts upfor the gaggle of classless gobshites we knew them to be."Well you shoulda stayed and watched the Rugby" was how we taunted theJambos who'd filled the Beach End (Stattos - Is this the last time they'vesold out up here?) as news came thru Scotland had won the eggchasing GrandSlam. Genuinely one of the best performances I've ever seen the Reds put inwe were immense. A joyous day might topped off be scoring some vowels onBelmont St a few clubs and then ultimately gettin ma end away at a party withis tidy bird who was a couple o years above me at school....think I gothome some time on Sunday Evening....I tell ye back in the day Flowered Up's'Weekender' wasnae so much a tune as a way o life min....and if Carlsbergdid...nah wont go there been used far too often on this site in recentweeks.
Now I've informed/bored you to death with ma opinions on da Jambos back inma Preview for the game back in August...for those of you who wisely avoidedthem heres the gist in bullet form.
1. Hearts live in a perpetual 3-5 years boom-bust cycle who everyone bar theJambos is aware of....we're currently on the 'Up cycle' which meanstolerating their deluded claims to glory safe in the knowledge that 18months it'll have all gone Pete Tong and they'll be howling for the head oftheir Chairman....especially when the current boom funding is predicaterd on'future Champions League Revenues' (do try not to laugh too hard but someappear to genuinely beleive this)...Leeds United or even Dundee anyone? Thedifference being of course Leeds had 40000 turning up everyfortnight...Hearts do to it's just their 40000 have bus fares and go toGovan instead.
2. As a result of following the biggest underachieving side in the landHearts fans suffer from a form of Penis Envy. This made up piece ofcod-Fruedian of nonsense is based on the concept that if every major honouryou've seen yer side win is the equivalent of inch of love sausage thenHearts have a 1 and a half inch chipollata (if we include the TennantsSixes) whilst yer average Red is endowed wi the type o schlong that wouldmake yer average Elephant feel inadequate...hence their rather tediousobsession with trivial matters and stats...anything to to show theiralledged superiority and distract attention from their inadequacies in theold Family Jewels department.
You ken the sortta stuff...."Havenae scored at Tynie since..."or "yourjealous"....on this got to admit whilst I'd love to be in second right nowrather than 8th....but ye can keep the Scottish Jesus Gil and having a Beastfor a manager ta very muchly.
Another of my repitive mantras for the past few years has been that 'theresnae difference between oursels Hertz/Hubs'...and I'm gonnae say it onceagain. Whilst I conceed they have a much better Keeper than us everywhereelse is like a game of snap...to the degree where we both even employnovelty liability left backs in Bryne/McAllister. I could back this up Isuppose by pointing to the fact since Rix took over at Tynie the sidesrecords and point hauls are almost identical. So we certainly have nothingto fear and history is also on our side...the Jambos having recorded thegrand total of 1 win in over 100 years of Cup Ties.
Having said all that little can be read into a handful of games played overa century a more pressing and worrying stat is that in their time both hereand wi the Pars..Tango and Sash have yet to record a soletary victory atTynie in any competition...which would I think lead the more pragmatic Redsto suggest that our best hope of progressing may be in taking the tie backto Todders for a replay.
A quick Head-Heart-Arse Predictor...och alright just for old times sake...
Head - 0-0 or 1-1
Heart - 3-2 Dandies wi a 'Cup Tie' Crawford brace
Arse - 0-1 Pressley (Pen) as bloody always.
Stand Free etc etc
The Red Avenger