The Big Kick Off Part 2 - Tango and Sash Season 5 Preview

Last updated : 07 August 2008 By Stand Free Ed

Some people reckon fitba is a religon. They're talkin shite, if it's anything it's a soap opera. So roll up, roll up, as we preview 'Tango and Sash - Season 5' which debuts this Saturday at 3pm.

'Tango and Sash' is a show that polarises the fans and critics alike, after initially being a ratings success when it replaced the 'Pub Landlord' four years ago Last season with ratings tanking, many critics claimed the show had 'jumped the shark' (Google it ye lazy c*nts) and were calling for it to be cancelled.

But with the final episode of the last season climaxing with Tango and Sash doing an elephant sized jobbie on the Huns' title hopes in front of a full Pittodrie, a fifth season was commissioned by RedTV's Director of Football, Willie 'God' Miller.

So let's look what fans of the show can expect in the 5th Season.

Is Tango a hero? An anti-hero? Or an enigma of a riddle wrapped up inside a puzzling fat slack-jawed weegie twat?

Throughout the first four seasons, fans and critics have been arguing each other to a standstill on this very issue in pubs and on messageboards. A broad consensus has been reached he's such a complex and nuanced character that in a way a'bidy is right and a'bidy is wrong at the same time...there is little to suggest there will be any change to this this season.

What should fans of the show expect ?

Well I caught a bit of an old episode 'The West Wing' on More 4 the other night (check me...trying tae kid on I dinna just watch Sky Sports News and porn) and Rob Lowe said something about baseball that I think is salient...

'In a Major League season, you play 162 games, you know you're going to win a third of those games, you know you're going to lose a third of those games...it's what happens in the remaining third that defines your season'.

The Celebrity Sex Tape pioneer probably didnae realise it but he's pretty much summed up the Dons' season...a dozen or so games they'll be outstanding, another dozen they'll be shite...how they do in the remaining games decides where they finish.

Okay, but what do the fans expect this season?

Well it's perhaps the greatest back-handed compliment of all to Tango and Sash, that even their harshest critics expect a Top Six finish at worst. Realistically anything not involving a UEFA spot or a cup final will be considered a failure, though considering the semi-final humiliations they endured last time many would like both.

Will Tango be sacked?

Well provided they don't go on a 12 game winless streak or suffer another cup humiliation to a lower league side...in a word: NO.

Of course cynical misanthropic Detriot-based goth types will tell ye this is cos the club cannae afford to sack him...and they do have a point, but there's also a lot of personal capital been invested in him by the Director of Football and others, so despite being second favourite to be punted he's as near to 'safe as house' as you'll get in the SPL.

Will Tango walk?

What??? Fit you smoking min? Wi a six-figure, three year deal in his hipper of course he f*ckin won't.

Will Tango be tempted away?

Well, with the likes of Milan Mandaric involved in the game ye cannae rule it out. Of course one of the great ironies is that despite being a favourite quoteable source for the hacks, it was punters on the Stand Free Messageboard and their 'Send Jimmy to Coventry' campaign who've done most to raise his profile south o the border...getting a complete unknown into 7/1 with Victor Chandler.

Meanwhile, his 'closh pershunal friendsh' in the media chose to promote the claims of Levein and McGhee (who have an inferior domestic record and nothing by way of a European pedigree) which suggest they see Tango as a kind o Torry bird...ken, good for knockin boots wi on a Saturday night but ken ye wouldnae take her home to meet the folks.

So if Tango is gonna get his move down south, his pals need to start raising their game.

Will Tango still use his Tactical Tombola ?

Does the Pope shit in the woods? Are bears Catholic? [Not in Glesga they're not... - Ed] Of course he will, though God knows why. It's been said before but everyone else in the SPL knows they're playing Ludo, whilst Tango seems to think he's playing chess.

Fans of the show have observed that his side plays their best stuff with a settled 4-4-2, but once again expect some downright bizarre formations and tactics.

Will Tango improve his standing with the fans?

Well even his most ardent admirers admit his personality and how he communicates with the fans leaves a lot to be desired but it's hard to say and as always will mainly be result dependant.

Do well and no one will give a shit what he says...struggle and his every comment will be analysed to death. He could help himself no end by finally delivering some of the much touted but rarely seen attacking style, oh and not telling the story about 'My Auld Man in his Govan Social Club blah blah blah' before every f*cking Huns game wouldnae go amiss.

Will he grasp the footballing zeitgeist?

Ooh check you wi the funcy words n'at!

Good point, he arrived at Pittodrie in the aftermath of Greece's Euro 2004 success when defensive durability was the most prized footballing asset. Fortunately, the footballing pendulum has swung firmly back the other way with recent results in the Alps, Manchester and most hilariously Kaunas exposing the limitations of the anti-football philosophy.

Therefore it would be fantastic if he did, though I cannae see MacDonald and Kerr tearing a side apart like Robben/Sneijder did for the Dutch against the French this summer...well actually I can but I have just caned a bottle of Mescaline and a couple of rocks o crack.

Okay, what about the supporting cast…you know the players ?

Hud yer horses min, that'll be Part 3.

Er...okay. What about the board then?

Well nae doubt after every defeat someone will blame the board, which is fair enough as long as yer prepared to give them the credit for every glorious victory...which nobody will because that would just be daft. I mean naebody expects fitba fans to be logical do they?

Anyway the board's main issue this year will be the new stadium project. Originally folk were asking why Aberdeen City Council should be getting involved wi the club, but in light of recent revelations and given that our partners will be the same body that once removed and repaired the wrong (unbroken) clockface on its own Town House...you've got to ask do AFC want to be involved with such a useless shower o f*ckwits?

So one last question...do you not feel like an arse asking then answering your own questions? Will folk nae think yer a complete arse?

Och aye...they think that anyway. But ken, none o the lazy shower o c*nts reading this can be bothered dein onything despite numerous request to do so...so if they dinna like it...well, f*ck em!


The Red Avenger