THE BIG KICK-OFF: A Rant In AFC (Minor) - 'Zip Up Fatty'

Last updated : 27 July 2006 By Stand Free Ed
...or in the slightly doctored words o Julian Cope:

"Tango, shut yer mouth!
Shut yer Mouth!
Put yer head back up yer arse,
and shut yer mouth!"

As I said in the Previt, I have respect for what Tango and Sash have done but I reckon if ye ran a poll amongst Reds about the thing about Tango that gets on the thrupenny bits it would be his oafish statements to the press that give the impression we are managed by a slack-jawed buffoon.

His attempts at the fabled 'Managerial Mind Games' are nothing more than the bungling amateurish efforts of a gormless oaf, when compared to the Grande Fromages o Fergie, Wenger and Jose.

Where they use a snide wee dig and a petty taunt to maximum effect, our Cuprinol-coated eejit's grasp of the art seems to consist of bumming up the opposition whilst rubbishing his own. Reverse psychology...my f*ckin arse!

If that wisnae made enough he's repeatedly made ill informed statements on matters about which he appears to know little if anything.

Scientists working on the Human Gee-Gnome-Dwarf or fitever hing-a-me recently discovered a gene which they named 'Spurious Bullshitus' as those (almost exclusively Weegies) with this gene have the overiding implusion to open their mouths before engaging the brain.

I've just made this disgracefully shallow piece of regional stereotypin up of course, but it segways nicely intae the first of his gaffes to which of course I shall be adding the complusory suffix of 'gate' and giving a Twat Rating.

'Jessie Gate' (Twat Rating 3/10)
In the midst of a spat wi Scotty Morrison he claims all Aberdonians are pampered jessies, aye cos obviously theres folk in Dubai just wishing they had a similar standard o living to that experienced in Tillydrone...we were winnin at the time so nobody really gave a shit. The result - Richie Bryne.

'Seve Gate' (Twat Rating 8/10)
Claims fans booing is why Seve won't re-sign, 48 hours after claiming the booing was justified and 24 before Seve's agent said he was spikin oot his arse. The double whammy of not only bein a twat but a hypocritical twat boosts his twat rating on this one.

'SuperKev Gate' (Twat Rating 10/10)
Put the verbal boot into Fulham for pulling out of a trial for Kev that only ever existed in John Viola's mind (and what an achingly empty desolate unfulfilling place that must be [I'm prepared to bet he doesn't have one - Ed]). The twat-o-meter almost leapt off the scale, as it wasn't so much him steamin in without knowin all the facts, it was that he steamed in appearing to know none of them.

But these were nothing compared to latest offering which can't be measured with a trifling 'gate' suffix; this pronouncement was more of a 'portcullis-in-the-nads'.

Yep, he spouted the grossest Weegia libel about the Red Army of all: 'The Fergie Standard'/'These guys are still livin in the 80's' myth (Twat Rating 11 - Spinal Tap ASC).

We can of course easily disprove this myth by perhaps pointing out that Aitken/Alex Miller/Paterson got sacked for having records that would have seen them dismissed as manager of Albion Rovers Reserves.

We could point out that Hegarty wasnae fit to be a f*ckin caretaker at Todders let alone a caretaker manager.

And we could, of course, point out that almost every one of them has been sacked for almost identical reasons at their later clubs.

Yes, even the Sainted martyr Alex Smiff...in fact especially the Sainted martyr Alex Smiff.

But I think we should take some advice fae the late, great Bill Hicks.

Bill loved his tabs and once said each cigarette he had was 'hand-picked by God, rolled by Jesus and moistened shut on Claudia Schiffers pussy lips'. This has f*ck all to do wi what I'm goin on about, I just think its a cool as f*ck quote.

Anyway Bill said the best way to confuse the f*ck out of those Born Again Christian fundamentalists, ye ken the sort that think God made the world in 6 days and watched Sky Sports and Heartbeat on a Sunday...he'd just say: 'Dinosaurs?'

We can simply watch this wee toxic myth disappear wi two words......'Ebbe Skovdahl?'

For if the Ebbster was indeed judged by the mythical 'Fergie Standard' he would have been lucky to last 2 weeks let alone 2 1/2 years...or be given a standing ovation and had his name chanted by 4000+ Dandies at Tannadice when he left.

In fact, ironically enough, during Ebbe's reign the only voices callin for Carz-shy Dane's head were in the Weegia, and what's more they became increasing restless and frustrating when we refused to conform to the warped stereotype of what a Reds fan was that they'd created from the darkest recesses o their own diseased minds.

We've grown to take and ignore this pig ignorant nonsense spouted by the Weegia and lame-brained Yams on the wind up. So for me it shows a gross ignorance and complete lack of understanding of his own support, that has stood to a man (apologies to Stef) as their side has slipped from the Olympian heights into previously uncharted depths of mediocrity without wavering.

I happened to believe we deserve better than to hear this pish from our own manager. Especially when we've backed the guy 100% from the day he's arrived.

If I could work myself up into an exaggerated sense of importance and rage I'd say I was I found his recent comments offensive in the extreme.

So am I demanding Calderwood head? Of course I'm f*cking not, like every one of our previous managers he'll be judged by his results and nothing would give me greater pleasure then for him to prove me wrong and this time next year be openly admitting I was a complete twat for callin him a twat.

What baffles me most about Calderwood regurgitating this odious dross though is...who exactly are these Reds he's been speaking to?

It certainly bears no resemblance to the Reds I know or for that matter those who put their views on the Stand Free messageboard.

Is Calderwood communicating perhaps with a group of Reds who've been in some Big Brother-style isolation for the last 15 years or so and are unaware of of the misfortunes to have befallen Scotland most Euro-Baubled side?

Or is he perhaps paying far to much attention to the DonStalkers who have difficulty differentiating between playing 'Football Manager' and real life (ye ken the 'Cannavaro -Worth a look?' type fruit-loops)?

Sadly I suspect this is merely our Cuprinol-coated gobshite coverin his own rather vast arse.

For if it all goes horribly, horribly Pete Tong and we begin demanding his head he can turn round and be sure he'll get a receptive Weegia audience when he turns round and goes: "see, telt ye they were livin in the 80's", and we'll be drowned in a barrage of 'Pittodrie Poison Chalice' style guff and Bill Leckie and Chic Young will delight in once again tellin us 'this would never have happened if they hadn't sacked Alex Smiff ye know'.

And if this sounds like a half-baked crank, Michael Moore-style, 2+2-equals-the-square-root-o-73 conspiracy nut theory, well can I just point out that every Season Preview I've seen has made reference to or alluded to our 'unrealistic' ambitions.

I'm not asking Tango and Sash to gag themselves completely from expressing their opinion but I would like to ask Jimmy if, the next time he has a microphone showed in his face, he'd bear in mind a wee piece of advice I gave him back in May...

If you got f*ck all worth saying...SAY NOTHING!


The Red Avenger