View Fae the Red Side - The Aberdonia 3 Pikey Rabs 1

I'll save ye an indepth analysis on this earth shattering and life changing conversation dans le Bobbin on Saturday.....suffice to say it was decided that Layered Stovies do not exist....it was merely a Cottage Pie wi ideas above it's station...and the Red in question's failure to inform his auburn antipodian paramour of her sacriligous desecreation of one of our National dishes (I mean what sorta sick perverted bastard puts garlic intae Stovies for fuxzake?) could be attributed merely to his desire to get his Nat King that night.

Yep, I'm sure you'll all sleep sounder in yer beds the night after we resolved that yin.....but it does go to show given we were a couple of hours afore our 'Derby' game and were spikin about cuisine rather than how to roll over the hated Rabs just how fuckin daft and bizarre it is to refer to our encounters wi the Pikey-ed wans as a feckin Derby!

Christ though I didnae clock until I was gaun tae the ground but the dudes at the table beside us turned out tae be Rabs....admittedly my observation skills have declined somewhat and the terrible clothing (or Pikey Chic if yer bein generous), unkempt ponytails, scubby 'A90 Arabs' t shirts and faint but overpowering aroma of sweat and damp should have given them awa....if this was a real 'Derby' surely we woulda been swapping insults and more than likely fisticuffs and a few bottles.

The Pikey Rabs' Derby is wi the money launderers o'er the road, and until the day Peterhead get intae the SPL we don't do derbies...can someone please advise the BBC of this? Oh and dinna even get me started on thon 'N** F***' bollocks they insist on prefixin afore our 'Derby' game.

Perhaps the lack of pre match tension could also be attributed to the fact there was never even a shadow of doubt that we were gonna win this yin....the only question as always wi the Fat Buffoon was the performance.

Surely he'd throw off the defensive shackles and go for it at home against a piss poor side? That was the nagging doubt...after all this is the same guy who changed his formation to counter act Falkirk's attacking options.....and no thats not a typo...I really did use the words 'Falkirk' and 'attacking options' in the same sentence.

To be fair for once we did actually go for it.

On paper we were down as a 352 but in reality with the exception of Russ holding his usual berth in central defence our players were given licence to roam and play whereever they saw fit.

Okay so we were given unneccessary assistance by Craig 'Fitba Genius' Brewster goin for a Calderwood-esque 9-0-1 formation which meant we effectively had sole and undisturbed possesion of the entire park up to their box but we did put in a decent and even more surprisingly attacking performance.

Hell for once even our final balls into the box were actually of high quality, but unfortunately our strikers' timing was all off (perhaps stunned our wingers were allowed to do that after all)...if it hadn't been there was a genuine chance we could have ran up a rugby score.

As I said Brewster's tactics helped us greatly...and whereas we almost got away wi such insipid negativty that was because we had the imperious Russ and a quality defence to do so...the Rabs on the other hand could make a battery of chickens who've just been informed their heads have bin chopped aff look composed.

Chris in particular was tormenting their right back in a manner not seen since Peter Weir introduced himsel tae Mick Mills....okay, slight exaggeration there but Chris was on occasions walking past the guy at will.

Whilst there was some mild concern when the half hour came and went and we still hadnae broken through you had a feeling the goal was coming and it duly did...their first (and only) real effort forces a save fae Bonnie Langfield......up the park....Nicholson drives in a shot....Derek Spillie shows why he never made it as a keeper in Gods Ain Republic by palming it straight to the feet of Darren Mackie who, blessed with not having time to think about it, drove it straight past him into the Pikeys' net... that simple really.

Oh and that was Darren Mackie fah scored....a blonde haired chap wi a number 10 on his back not to be mistaken with Lee Miller....a brown haired chap about 6 inches taller and wearing a number 16 on his back. One can only assume that the guy fah does John McRuvie's gig at Todders these days was one of the many who'd stuck a few quid on a Miller first scorer/Dons win double and got a tad carried awa....still it was quite amusing to hear the Beach End sing the praises of a guy who hadnae scored. The aforementioned Layered Stovies eater was still convinced it was Miller after the game!

So what of our non scoring striker ? Well, he now has his own one-man silverhaired boo boy section in the 'Y' (I assume he bought the franchaise rights offa our resident house trained pikey guido for a two-figure sum) but I and the Reds around me thought he did alright and put in a good shift. His current situation is not too dissimilar to the one Kenny Miller was in a few weeks back....playing well and contributing just not scoring.

Anyway to sound like a down market Swiss Toni...scoring goals is like getting yer hole and Lee ain't had his Nat King for a while but it winna be too long afore he's hittin the vinegar strokes on a regular basis, especially as our November fixture list includes Smurn, Well and the Pars: the metaphorical Torry birds for goalscoring.

Intae the second half and I'd barely finished my sneekit tab in the seats when we got a free kick. Nicholson stepped up and hit what look like a mishit cross fae the 'Y' across the box....we only became aware of it's proximity to goal when Spillie was floundering backwards into the net...shortly to be followed by the ball.

After that we took the piss...it was one of those days when it was impossible to find a scapegoat...every time we thought we'd found one they'd dae something to make you eat yer words...'och Mackie yer shite' - goes on a mazy dribble and drives a shot which is deflected just wide...'Dempsey ya c*nt fit do you do?' - fires in a 25 yards piledriver...etc etc

Brewster made a few changes including bringin on the Scotland Under 19s' sensation Goodwillie, a player whose very name will inspire a burst of Finbar Saunders style schoolboy snickering amongst opposing fans not seen since Dean 'Deano' Windass was of this parish.

Though top marks to the Red on the 'Y' who observed as he came on for Noel (disappointingly not Mike) Hunt...'Swappin a c**t for a willie?...first time for a'thing I suppose!'....but truth is Brewster could have brought on the entire Terracotta army and placed them in his six yard box and it wouldnae have made any difference.

As it was, the 'difference' was the 'bastard in the dayglo green'....who presumably for charitable reasons gave the Rabs a pen....that even some of them had no idea what was going on tells you a'thing. The ginger haired Inverurie Hun knocked it past Bonnie to cut it back to a one-goal lead.

Thankfully burning with injustice (and before Calderwood had a chance to order one man up front and told them to sit in and hold what we have) we went straight up the park and scored with a Nicholson header.

The ref then temporaily lost the plot...inexplicably booking Russ before kick off after our 3rd goal...then allowing a free kick to be taken whilst he was in the middle of booking (I think) Mikey Hart...before realising he'd f*cked up and ordering play back...thus breaking up the Rabs best attacking move of the game...well I say best attacking move it was just really three consecutive passes, but hey it's all relative.

After that Tango brought on NotPhil Maguire, who immediately got into the fray and had the Rabs cowering and falling over before narrowly tucking it wide.

It was at this point masel and Cuerv decided to begin our post match libations and make a move for the Broadhill...we'd just got to the door o the bar when a roar went up....we found out later that NotPhil had bundled one in until the dayglo prat had egregiously ruled it oot.

So there ye go...an enjoyable decent free flowing attacking fitba performance fae the Reds at Pittodrie and whats more we'd done it for the full 90 (well ok 80). So does this mean all is forgiven and I'm back backing the Cuprinol one ?

No.

All Saturday proved was that what we the punters already knew....that when our players are given simple instructions and simply allowed to play they can easily beat the likes of United and more than likely give the like of Hearts and Hibs a game too.

That it took our manager 11 games to realise what the punter could see from day 1 says it all and one hopes his claims about us being one of the most attack-minded teams in the SPL were laden wi irony and sarcasm or he's an even bigger twat than I currently think he is.

My suspicion is he'll go back to the nervous paranoid defensive brand of fitba we've grown to loath in the opening 10 games next week for the Monday night visit of Hibs.

Though he should take note of the large gaps in the stands on Saturday and be aware it's not guys screaming for his head on Pittodrie St that will get him the bunt but the guys not going to Pittodrie St at all that will.

We also need to take into account the quality of opposition we faced....if I had a pound for the number of times (unprompted) folks said it was the worst Arabs side they'd ever seen I'd just be short of the money required to buy a beer in The Soul Bar.

I even bumped into a 'Rab fae Stoney' ootside the Pitt and he was convinced they were gaun doon....though I reckon Motherwell and the Paralytics will push them close.

In fact they were so bad we had a wee competition post match to find the sickest way to describe how shite the 'Rabs were.

I opened wi 'beating the spazi kid in a spelling test'....Cuervo topped that wi 'beating the fat spazi kid for yer 50 metres swimming badge' but these were baith topped by an associate now known as 'Son o' Sadowitz' for his offering of..(and sound the 80's alert here)...'beating Joey Deacon at ping pong'...sick I grant ye but aifter a few bevvies very funny.

I'm nae the only who's observed the Rabs and Arkwright in particular seem hell bent on imitating every last fuck up made in the early Milne years.

You can almost understand Arkwrights frustration with press reports suggest he's frittered away a third of his personal fortune backing the team he loves only to see a collections of charlatans and incompetants piss it away....literally in the case of Binmans Pub team.

Whilst I've nae sympathy for their fans I do have a grudgin respect...afterall a few years back we were in their shoes....best illustarted for me when they had thon header in the first half and they got to their feet and belted out their defiance....mind doing that many a time for the Reds at the turn o the millenium.

As I said no sympathy for them but there is respect as most Reds will accept it take the true blind devotion of a fan to turn out and watch shite like that week in week out.

One can only presume their day wasnae made any better either by their favourites turning oot in what appeared to be a badly designed Dundee strip made by Bukta in the 1970's either.

Though our discussion on this and 70's sports brands ye didna see nae mair was ruined somewhat by Cuerv's insistence on telling us the story of his failure to track doon a pair of retro suede Golas.....Golas I f*ckin ask ye!

Anyway an enjoyable day oot at Pittodrie ah've nae had one of them for a while...and a few sociable sherbets was had and an enjoyable surprisingly narcotic free evening followed culminating in Cuerv being crowned Undisputed World Arm Wrassling Champ (Hair Dying Dwarf Division)....though there was some controversy at the decision to disqualify his opponents for 'gratuitous use of the breasts' and 'failure to take performance enhancing drugs'...

Still all in all as Ice Cube didnae say...'Saturday was a good day'...

Slater, Stand Free aw the usual bollocks and a 'Fit Like' for the road.

The Red Avenger