Dod Orwell Ate Ma Hamster...Or How I Learned To Respect Da Wig

A bright loon was oor George (and a bit o a 'Red' tae boot) when he wrote a couple o books 'Animal Farm' and '1984' (which disappointingly fails to mention Porto bungin the ref in our CWC Semi). And whilst he may have been banging on about the manipulation o yer proletarian masses, his work is equally applicable tae fitba.

Dod observed that the proletarian masses rarely benefit fae the revolutions fought in their name, they just exchange one set o masters for replace 'proles' wi fans and 'masters' wi Chairman/board...see what I mean?

One o the greatest myths/legends in fitba like the sporting, humble and hygenic OF fan is that somewhere out there there is a multi-millionaire who supports their team and will pour the entire fortune in....back in the mist of time in the last millenium these folk were known as a 'Jack Walker' these days their commonly known as an 'Abramovich'.

It's the arrival of a 'Scottish Abramovich' that has lead to the heavily trailed Frontline Scotland "investigation" into Vladimir Romanov.

I somehow doubt it will tell us anything new and merely rehash what we already know...lest we forget Frontline Scotland brought us last year's show on the 'Casual Menace' [featuring some cctv footage of my good self... - Ed] which led to the enshrining in Scots Law of the right of Police to harrass fitba fans and lead to Tayside Police confiscating fans mobile phone batteries on a Cup trip to Arbroath [also sounds familiar... - Ed].

The evidence presented of this 'growing menance' was a group of teenagers on their way to the Edinburgh derby bein huckled for wearing Aquascutum in a built up area and reports on Aberdeen fans 'including a 15 year old attacking police' after a game in Ibrox (it was actually the other way round). Personally I reckon Auld Dod wisnae far wrong wi his 'Ministry of Truth' and the art of media manipulation.

So I dinna hold out much hope for their latest effort. Now I've nae seen the programme but I'll take a guess that the revelations in the show will be as follows:

1. He's one o thay Furreners.

Aye we've got him bang to rights on this een! He's deffo a Lithuanian!
Some might ask why a Lithuanian would want to invest in a tin pot club like Hearts, some suggest it's to get his hands on Tynie...nae doubt having a large chunk of continually appreciating Edinburgh real estate was an attraction but I reckon the boring truth is it to do exactly what he said it's for to promote his UKIO Bankas Group.

2. Some of his busness dealings are dodgy.

A bigger surprise would be if he hadnae done anything fact, find me a successful businessman who hasnae made a few morally dubious deals or pulled a few scams...I'm sure if ye dug hard enough you'd find a few Joiners and Sparkies wi a tale to tell aboot oor Wiggy.

Also bear in mind that Romanov made his millions in post-Communist Lithuanian where success in business was defined as much by how many mad bastards wi sub machine guns ye had as entrepreneurial ability. It would be a miracle if at some point or other he hadn't had some dealing wi some shady geezers.

3. The allegations of matchfixing in Lithuania.

In Eastern Europe matchfixing is endemic, it's often said that the OF do the same thing in Scotland. Well, if that were true then by Eastern European standards Murray and Desmond would be considered bungling amateurs.

No surprise then that the Lithuanian FA did a Hutton on the whole thing (thats Hutton as in the Lord of Whitewash fame nae the Huns 'alledged' full back). Pretty irrelevant anyway as Romanov is unlikely to risk a spell in Saughton by doin the same in Scotland.

4. He likes to interefere a bit.

A real nae shite Sherlock moment this don't say!

Jambos will probably (and reasonably) dismiss it as all the allegations as the embittered ranting of former employees.

But who cares, like many Reds I consider Romanov to just be the lastest in a long line of charlatans and scam merchants to sucker the Jambos with a wild 'Get Third Quick' scheme and that like all the rest o them it'll all go Pete Tong sooner rather than later.

I also suspect the Jambos haven't got themselves a 'Scottish Abramovich', mair a 'Scottish Jesus Gil'. Gil was the mad bad slightly loony - sorry make that completely loony - meglomaniac and big cheese at a 'third force' whose claims were based more on hype than silverware, had a penchant for meddling in team selection and affairs and was once described as 'being to managers what King Herod was to childcare'....need I go on wi this?

If Hearts fans want to hand over complete control of their club to this guy then I wish them luck cos their sure as shite gonna need it....when it all goes horribly wrong don't say we didnae warn ye.

After all when a manager disagrees wi him he sacks them, when a CEO disagrees wi him...he sacks them. God only knows what he'll do when inevitably the Jambos start having a go at him.

It would nae surprise me to see lifelong Jambos having their season tickets revoked and issued wi sine die bans (that's life for all ye Latin-phobes) fae Tynie for daring to criticise Comrade Vladimir or having an opinion different to his.

As Auld Dod pointed out the Jambos will probably find they've exchanged a exploitative bastard with a much madder but equally useless exploitative bastard.

For it disnae matter how many proclamations Romanov makes of future CL glories he cannae change Hearts, they - like us - are a side with a decent sized latent support but whose crowds will rarely top 16-17000 even when successful.

His strategy for achieving these great leap forward are strangely reminiscent of those spouted by Pedro Escobar Marr (who incidently knocked Romanov back before he went to Hearts....I mean if the Marrs think yer dodgy!).

A future of seeing thier side sold on and broken up every 12-18 months to keep the whole thing going is what lie ahead for Jambos. Di Stefanomics works well in the short term but long term it's a disaster.

Aye ok min, but fit's this got to do wi the mighty Reds like and is this no just further evidence of this site alledged Jambo obsession ?

No...ok maybes a wee bit, but what Romanov is doin at Hearts merely highlights that as far as Chairman go Wiggy has been, well, no bad - in fact to be honest on almost everything in the last 5-6 years he's been proved in time to be spot on.

We wailed at the lack of investment in the side and bein outbid for players by the likes of Dunfermline, Livi, Dundee etc...they'll pay for it in the long run and we'll be there to benefit he said....they did and we have.

We questioned why we needed a CEO and why when the team was shit we were spending so much on the suits. We're now feeling the benefits, each CEO contributed (Bennett resteblished the relationship wi the fans, McCormack came up wi the financial plan and Wyness revolutionised our commercial side) much so that our suits are now being headhunted by other clubs. Our finances are now (relatively) stable and the CEO efforts have now made the position redundant.

All that remains to be fixed now is the footballing side o things and he's handed that responsibility to God himself. You could say Wiggy practising the dark Machivellian arts...after all if as we hope it's a glorious success then he was the man who was big enough to bring Willie back....if it all goes tits up he can say 'Well I listened to the fans and look what happened...'

Either way no one will argue with the Divine Tache guiding our future on-field development.

I bet our 'No.1 fan' feels a right arse for standing up at the AGM a few years back and demanding Wiggy make us 'more like Dundee'...24 hours of course before Dundee went into administration.

Five years ago I considered the guy to be the Antichrist and could often be found ranting and wailing about him (mostly ill-informed shite)....have to admit therefore that he got it all spot on and I was the one who was wrong.

Disnae mean he's without fault or he hasnae made some unforgivable mistakes, it will only be after we've retained the European Cup for the third straight years I'll begin to consider contemplating forgiving him for inflicting Lexo Miller on us....but if at best Chairmen are benevolent dictators then we've got one of the better ones in Wiggy.

Canne believe I just written a piece praising oor Chairman....urrgh I'm awa to scrub masel doon wi Domestos.

Stand Free

The Red Avenger