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Season Privet Fence - Part 2
Well as last year, I'm stickin to ma four tiered SPL theory. Up top unfortunately the OF, below them the 2nd Tier of oorsels and the Reekie Twins. Below us, the 'midtable mediocrities', one of whom will hang around the Top 6 like a fart in a spacesuit, one will be Dundee Utd and the other two will fight it out for 7th. Below them the dross or bottom feeders who need no real explanation.
Right, I may as well do this in some sorta order and will be making my own personal judgements on how many points we'll blag off the other SPL sides.
Now it is impossible for any Red to pass reasoned comment on the OF withoot first cleansin their bile ducts, so here goes.
First up the Huns, dirty-arrogant-knuckle dragging-JJB Sports endorsed £3.99 Cross of St George and Union Jack waving-what the f*ck's an Ally Dawson?-crimpolene troosered-bowler hatted-sash wearing-UVF/UDA apologist- bigoted f*ckwits wi the personal hygiene o a flatulent skunk.
As for the Tims, well add plastic paddy, replace the British references with the Irish equivalent and replace Ally Dawson wi Rudi Vata and of course 'bigoted f*ckwits' with 'bigoted f*ckwits'.
Twa sides of the same scubby coin etc etc etc...
Ah that's better...anyway...Celtic wi Magic and one of Miller, Beattie, Maloney and Riordan will rip the arse out of almost every side in the SPL this year and the Buns have in Boyd a guy who barring injury will grab them 30-40 in the league alone, whether the odds of 15/8 are sufficient for you to sell yer soul and eternal damnation is a matter for your ain conscience.
Managers-wise, the Buns seem to think they have a new Messiah in Jean Marie Le Penguin, I've no doubt he'll be better than Sauzee was as a boss but the fact is Froggies and the SPL just dinna go. FanFan and Rodrigues being the latest of a long line o Froggie flop dating back to Basil Boli and Stephane Gui'varch. Le Penguin will do alright but in the long run will he do anything Eck hasnae done....I doubt it.
Over the river, Agent Ginger Pope finds himsel in the same position as Agent Orange last year, indeed with their seeded status anything less than matching Eck in the CL and the 'Most Melodramatic Fickle Fhannies in the World (aka TGFITW) will be cloggin up the phone ins after their first defeat demanding his head cos he was lucky last year (by just the 20-odd points) and he's no Sellick-minded enuff byraway.
So who's gaunnae win it? I dinna ken and care even less. I am confident that we'll take 3 points of both of them this year, but like many Reds would happily trade everything bar my immediate family to win at the Brox.
So that's the monkeys dealt wi now on to the mini league that will be the most important.
Now regular readers should look away now and skip the next paragraph or two, whilst I explain my much-o-a-muchness theory on oursels and the Reekie Twins for those unfortunate enough to still be reading.
Now, for all the 'oor clubs bigger than your club so it is' nonsense based on cup Wins, crowds, crowd potential etc between Reds, Yams and Hibees, the unadmitted truth is that the 'third biggest club in Scotland' is a myth and that all 3 sides are actually virtual identical in all respects.
Any even more unpalatable truth is that we all need each other if we're ever gonna break the OF duopoly again.
The OF have over a hundred years experience pickin off sole diddy raiders (usually by buying up the 1st team to fill their reserves) and the only time they've been challenged like in the ‘50s and ‘80s was when there were multiple threats...hence Aberdeen need a strong Hibs and Hearts and vice versa.
Ok ye can come back now, on the basis of the above theory I predict our record against both Hearts and Hibs this year will be won 1,drew 1, lost 1.
Splitting the points with these two logically means that he who kicks most ass wi the lower order win and the head to head comparison becomes largely irrelevant. I expect this season to by the usual nip and tuck between all 3 sides with the balance of power changing on a weekly and monthly basis.
Anyone picking a winner from the three sides now is a mug punter. Speaking of which if your hell bent on burnin yer cash on Hearts lifting the title this year can I suggest you hold on for a couple of months cos then those 7/1 odds will have increased five fold.
So as you've probably gathered once again I don't rate the former Texaco Cup Runners Up's title chances at all. Why?
Well this is Heart of Midlithuania after all! Now it wouldnae be a 'Privet' if I didnae compare the Yams to tadgers at some point. This year it's the obvious allusion to them requirin Viagra as when it comes to sustainin success the Yams have historically had trouble keeping it up (see their post 86 and 98 performances if you don't believe me).
I also like to shoehorn in a bit of Swiss Toni at some point as well so...
“Winning trophies is like making love to a beautiful woman”, if so the Yams reaction to beating a Third Division side on penalties is akin to a 16 year old poppin his cherry wi a 4 second knee-trembler wi the school bike and then running round the playground telling anyone who'll listen he's the new Don Juan and obviously anyone who disagrees is 'jealous'.
Well, if mocking the deluded is 'jealousy' then the entire nation was obviously jealous of David Icke.
As me fellow Don, Michael Corleone, once said: “never hate your enemies, it clouds your judgement”.
Wise words indeed fae the Don there and whilst I don't hide the fact I'll revel in the schadenfreude at the Yams inevitable collapse I ain't mug enough to suggest a complete collapse as I do have some respect for what they've done.
They did pick up all those points on their own last year, they can (as demonstrated in the CL qualifier) play badly and win comfortably and they do possess more of the 'F*ck You...Us vs The World' attitude that served us so well in our pomp.
As for Hibs, despite annually flogging their best talent they find an even better replacement almost seemlessly, so barring Steve Gibson realising he's made a catastrophic error and callin Mogga home, they'll once again be a tidy wee package.
So we need to be wary and show a touch of respect regards the Reekie Twins, but fearing them or being 'jealous'...Och awa n' shite min!
Now for the part of the league we were in a few years back....'The Mid Table Mediocrities'.
Killie (points prediction: 4/9) - Their season will live or die on Naismith and Jeffries will be a greetin faced arse as usual. Rugby Park is rarely a happy huntin ground for us and we go there twice hence the low 4 point prediction.
Caley (6/9) - It is impossible to talk out Caley without resorting to cliches and given I've got a Preview fae the Red Side to write about them for Saturday, you forgive me if I'm brief. They've never beaten us, we've never lost in the Sneck and we've never won a 'home' game against them. I expect all these 3 records to go this season.
Well (7/9) - Terry Butcher may well be goin to hell for some many obvious reasons but at least he can say in his defence he helped save the Well.
He's left Malpas a decent legacy in terms of players. However Malpas looks like blowing this all away by appointing Hegarty as his assistant. At every club Hegarty has been at disaster has struck within 6 months...hence I'm quite confident in my prediction that Malpas will be the first sacking.
United (6/9) - As regular will know I'm convinced that Arkwright is following the disastrous plan Wiggy followed in his early years, up to and including employing the same players and managers. Anyway by my reckoning they're at about 1999 this year. Which means a year of just when you think it cannae get worse, it does for Arabs fans though we did well in the Cups.
So given we've been there we'll obviously be showing some empathy towards the Arabs eh?
Aye that'll be f*cking right...GIRUY ye pikey chunts!
The Bottom Dwellers (21/27)
This is the place we were when Ebbe arrived. I won't dwell long here but this is AFC we're talking about so inevitably we'll drop points and lose to one of them. The Pars for the drop natch but all three should be seen for what they are: easy points and a chance to run up the goal difference.
So there ye go, that's ma prediction - 58 points which should have us sitting pretty in the UEFA spot come split time.
The Red Avenger