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Langfield
Two games to sum up his year: phenomenal vs Dnipro, spooked by a couple of chips vs the Pikeys in the first Semi Fiasco. As I've been saying since day one, he's an adequate keeper who can do a job in the SPL but we're never gonna win any silverware as long as he's our number 1.
Soutar
Benefitted from Langfield sashing it up on his stagger and again post Munich when Clangers had shot his bolt...then axed after the Queens fiasco. Did 'nae bad' and saved a couple of pens but really was always a smaller version of Langfield with exactly the same flaws.
Hart
Solid and dependable as always, essentially 99 times outtae a hunner he'd shut down the opposition's left side...which is why his schoolboy error to give Atletico their penalty stood out. If yer being picky he wisnae yer classic overlapping full back but alas these days it's Preston who are the 'owners of a Michael Hart' [©2005 Rope Sqaad First Bus Red Line Choir - Ed].
Maybury
Had the pretty thankless task of replacing oor Mickey and had an absolute mare in his first game and will appear on Aiden McGeady highlight reels fae now until infinity, but was solid enough and can clearly do a job in the SPL. Worth pushing the boat out for, wages-wise? Well it was him who gave Budgie Stewart so much space at Hampden that he had time to purchase the land, build a house, sell it and still have time to slam it past Soapy, so I'm nae sure but we could do a lot worse.
Foster
Ah Rickaldinho, a classic Calderwood utility player. Cannae really defend properly so nae really a full back but cannae really cross either so nae really a winger but can be placed pretty much anywhere and do a job in the SPL and of course provided that cross for that goal in the Ukraine.
Dan Smith
Spotted playing against Smurn (or was it Gretna) and then promptly disappeared without taking advantage of SMsW generous offer of a lift to anywhere he wanted to go. Has apparently now been released but don't bet against him re-appearing next season, even if it is only in the official team photae. Destined to become the 21st Century 'Haruldur Ingolffsson' of Red Army folklore.
Bryne
Hapless perma-crocked Irish hod carrier and provider of great entertainment...provided ye werenae a Red. To be fair to Richie, he could actually do the no-nonsense hoof it hard style school of defending very well but expecting him to hit a teammate wi a pass was akin to expecting boxer shorts made out of sandpaper nae to chaff [although to be fair to him, he will always be remembered (via illicit DVD copies) for his sterling 90mins at centre-half against Copenhagen - Ed].
Zander
Our Captain in everything but name. Has no come through the dodgy phase between promising youngster and genuine talent and looks the better for it. Still a bit rough (yageddit??!!) around the edges but showing us the class we saw when he first broke throug. Having left Luca Toni without a kick for three hours o fitba he must wonder just what he has to do to get picked for Scotland...though to be fair he does face stiff competition fae promising youngsters like Christian Dailly.
Conso
Going through the dodgy phase Zander has just come out of and in my humble opinion would have benefitted from being given an extend run to make the mistakes he has to learn from. In other words a bit of short term pain for long term gain. Alas suffered from the Tombola more than most and was also subject to Tango's unique style of man-management when he made a game-losing error on opening day at Tannadice, as he got it in the neck for nae being like David Weir...aye if only he was 39 and had compromising photaes of Michael Mockery eh?
Bus
Imagine Toni K, mixed wi a bit of Solberg and add a soupcon of John Inglis and yer nae even half way to describing just how f*cking shite this guy was...was our Chief Scout pished/stoned when he recommended him to his Dad? I could go on to give ye some laboured gag about Go Ahead Eagles being re-named Always Behind Eagles but I cannae be arsed. Thankfully we'll never see him again.
Mair
A.k.a. 'Night Mair'...to be honest, he was brought in as squad cover for the backline and did the job he was asked to do [none more spectacularly than against Bayern at home - Ed]. Dropped a few clangers aye but then again name me a Dandy who didnae this year.
Touzani
Will the real Karim please stand up? Is it the guy who marked Diego Forlan out the game in the Vincente Calderon or the one who was out of his depth and hooked vs a village team? His tendancy to try and play his way out of trouble is a liability in an SPL centre half, but in the Heikkinen/holding role in midfield he looks much better than any of the other candidates as he can both pass and tackle...which is nice.
Jackie Mac
Official scapegoat for the Queens defeat and in terms of symbolic exits the sight of him running down the tunnel and out of our lives seems apt. Undoubtedly a great player in his day, alas he had Best Before June 2007 stamped on his boots.
Jamie Smith
When he was fully fit he truly lit up our team (see the Copenhagen game), when he was half-fit he was a bit of a passenger and invariably broke down after 15 minutes. We always knew he was injury prone (hence why we got such a genuinely talented player in the first place) but hopefully he can be rested up during the break and we can draft in cover so if he's 50/50 we can leave him out and not risk losing him for months on end. Current owner of the 'Scott Booth Memorial Twisted Sock'.
Sone Aluko
Perhaps a sign of how enlightened 21st Century Scotland is that the Red Army could take a black Englishman to their heart and no one gave a toss that he was a black Englishman. His double whammy of genuine pace and skill terrified defences from Gretna to Munich. A few years from now will we be watching him light up the Premiership and goin 'Aye he used to play for us ye know'? Well in ability terms - probably. Mind you he did do that girlie jumping out of the way thing when he didnae fancy it, so a bitty more steel required and this boy will go far.
JDV
Ah the 'great entertainer' we were promised...looked awfie fat and, for a winger, awfie slow tae me. I'd say 'nondescript' rather than 'disappointing' was a more accurate description of his first year. Techinically superb but half o Section Y could outpace him over 10 yards and that would be after several mock chop suppers and half a bottle o Waaatson's. Perhaps we could adapt him into a attacking central midfielder...or then again maybe I've been playing too much Footie Manager.
Clark
'Ye only miss something when it's gone' is a bit of wisdom that applied to Chrissie, he was the utility player who did all the graft and made those around him look good - something lost on his Red Army critics who still saw him as a failed and useless winger. Our downturn in form immediately after he left for Plymouth was no coincidence.
Duff
'Duff...It's all in his name' and 'Duff is a backwards Fud' were the original Section Y comments on his signing. Nae helped by a debut that involved a passback to the slowest player in Christendom in Christian Nade, to help set up the State Circus's winner on his home debut and the collective cackling of the Pikeys. He was obviously drafted in as a direct replacement for Chrissie, a role I think he'll grow into as demonstrated by his performances in the closing weeks. Failing that at least we've got a ready made Local Loon Scapegoat in the absence of Mackigol...
Deek Young
His signing did little to dissuade us that Tango's signing policy was little more than a footballing version of 'Friends Reunited'...didnae make any major f*ck ups so, by the exceptionally low expectations we had, he was a success I suppose.
Nicholson
When we signed him I had my doubts and for 18 months or so, he did seem to be the world hide-and-seek champion. But in the last 18 months he showed his genuine class and this year was a stick-on for Player of the Year as he was arguably the only player to be consistently good for the first game to the last...so naturally he's leaving [Gonnae just stay eh Barry? - Ed].
Severin
A dissappointing year, was it the weight of the captain's armband? Was he carrying an injury all year? Probably a bit of both and to be fair he was so good in his first two season the standards we judge him by are probably higher than those of his teammates. If we believe Calderwood (and only naive fools do), him and Touzani will do a kind of job-swap thing next year. Let's give Zander the armband, if he needs an op let him go for one and hopefully next season will see him back to the kind of form we expected from him this time out.
Walker
He came, he saw, he scored against Bayern, he called Jimmy a c*nt when he was hooked away at Killie on the day the Tombola went mad and that was his Pittodrie career really. Kind of a younger Seve and given that if you ain't made the first team at Boro by 19 you ain't gonna make it, he might be worth a punt if he's available at a knock down price. Other than that the moment of brilliance against the Bavarian will forever ensure his place in Dons folklore.
Brewster
Old King Goals was actually our top scorer goin into December, which was a touch embarrassing considering he'd left for Caley a few months earlier.
Lovell
So farewell then Lovigol, the best natural finisher on our books. It became obvious that Jimmy had fallen out with him and he was in effect a dead man walking from Xmas on which was reflected in his form. The final straw being the United game in January when he was made to play as an isolated lone frontman, a role not best suited to his game and one which he naturally failed, giving the Cuprinol Coated Gobshite a chance to blame him for everything bar the hole in the ozone layer. Virtually odds-on to score a hat-trick against us when we play Killie next season like.
Mackie
Ah the enigma that is Mackigol, hopeless and useless, give him more than a split-second to think and he'll balloon it over the bar, but he scored arguably the two most important goals of our season. Unfortunately for him it wasn't until after the split that he troubled the SPL scoring charts. Once again the player most likely to have us laughing, crying, screaming profanities and dancing with joy, frequently all within 15 seconds. It's all these perverted charms that give me a perculiar fondness for him. I mean, he is undoubtedly shite but...ken...he's our uncoordinated piece of shite all the same and I love the guy for it, mainly cos as we saw in the Ukraine his coupon had the look of joy only a genuine Red could feel. Ye know fine well if he wisane playing for us he'd be kegged up on the Curva Sud wi the rest of us...admittedly he probably meant to go for the RDS and missed like...
Miller
Sullen, uninterested, a mercenary waste of space…yip it's Guido and our Pikey visitors' favourite Red. To be fair to our House Trained Pikey and pals, many Reds could see their point based on his first season and a bit, However given the targetman/lone striker role upon Brewster's departure North, he grew into the role to the point ye couldnae imagine a Dons starting line up without him. Now if only we could find someone to play off him we'd be sorted...oh and SMsW funcies his ma.
Maguire
Ah Bebo...up until Easter his main contribution to the campaign had been to call Barry Sideways a dick on his Bebo page. Even his manager said he thought he'd made it when he hadnae, but given a late run and, funnily enough, played in his preferred position he began to live up to the hype. Could still do with a six month spell loaned out to the lower leagues to sharpen his cutting edge and toughen up a bit in my book but hopefully he'll get his chance next season and grab it with both hands.
Now provided ye aint fell asleep, it's Fat Boy's report card next...
The Red Avenger