F*ck Michel Platini... does the cheese-eating surrender monkey nae ken that pre-season is completely meaningless and is meant to be an easily-ignorable irrelevance?
Thanks to the Froggie git, we've got to play a crucial Europa League tie afore the real season starts... the worse piece of scheduling since Gordon Smith decided he knew all there was to know about organising World Cup Qualifiers and sent us to Oslo in friggin' August.
So who are the shower of inconsiderate bastards interupting our pre-season slumbers?
Some mob ca'ed Sigma Olomouc, who sound like they've been lifted from a DC Thomson comic strip... ye ken, the not in any way stereotypical 'crack' Eastern European outfit who use various underhand methods to gain an advantage afore a double Roy Race hat-trick in the last 8 minutes (two assists each for the Kemp Twins signed on a Bosman fae Spandau Ballet) thwarts their nefarious schemes.
So what do I know about Sigma Olomouc... well, beyond their name being an anagram of 'Oi Cool Gas Mom', er, the square root of jack shit to be honest.
With such an astounding breadth of knowledge on them, I am perfectly qualified to write a Privit on the game, certainly more qualified than the f*ckwit at the BBC who includes a certain Javan Vidal in our squad for tonight who as we (but not one of the world's largest media organisations) know returned to Manchester in May. And not only is he no longer here, he was injured playing for Citeh against the Kaiser Chiefs on Saturday... Though Javan fans should relax as Hughes is confident he'll be fit for the Franz Ferdinand match... Badoom! I'm here all week, try the Veal! Unless yer one of the vegetarian c*nts in which case awa an tofu yersel' to death ye lentil munching nonce... [I'll cut this rant here I think... back to the fitba... - Ed]
There does seem to be the belief in the old myth about Czech teams being like their women... a bitty tidy like.
Though for the record Czech blokes are kinda like stylish Dundonians wi a penchant for mullets, mousers and shell suits... though I do accept the concept of the stylish Dundonian is hard to visualise.
Perhaps it's a heady mix of mindless optimism and blissful pig ignorance but I'm reasonably confident.
Firstly, any decent Czech players are shipped off to Germany or Italy for hard currency once they show even a hint of promise, and using flawed logic, that means what's left in the Czech League will be the stunningly average and washed up next big things. So nothing to be unduly worried about.
Unless of course they have some as yet undiscovered Berger/Poborsky/Paneka/Nedved... in which case... well... we're f*cked like.
In terms of how they'll play, well, do you remember the Hearts game after the split where the vile Yams went through every cynical underhand trick in the book? That’s kinda what I'm expecting fae Sigma, except like, you know, with a bitty more skill, style and creativity.
As for us, well I doubt Sigma were shitting it when they drew us, but I'm sure on Olomouc-MAD, Karol Carhandlesky is pointing out that we're unbeaten at home since thon team fae Dublin humiliated us and that since then Bayern, Hertha, Dnipro and Lokomotiv Moscow have failed to win on Pittodrie St - and the Danish Champions were truly obiliterated.
And while I havenae got a freaking scooby what Dingus and the players will produce for us tonight, I'm confident this won't be another Skonto/Bohs. Cos, like Scotland, as a rule of thumb we generally tend to spectacularily f*ck up when we play a side we expect to beat and conversely surprise ourselves when we expect to get horsed.
And with most folk puttin' Olomouc into the "we're gonna get f*ckin horsed here lads" category of Euro opponents, I confidently make the following He-He-Ar predictions:
Head - 0-0... Our standard noughties Euro home result (Hertha, Dnipro etc)
Heart - 2-0... Relatively comfortable on the night but still a weeks worth of brown trousering to go
Arse - 2-1... As above but not having threatened us all night they grab a vital away goal in the dying minutes
Anyway time tae sign off wi' the usual bollocks about "giving us your view on the message board blah de f*ckin blah"... though anyone disagreeing with a single syllable of what I've just said is clearly a brain dead c*nthive.
The Red Avenger
|Sat 18th July||0-1||1860 Munich||Hofmaninger-Stadion,
Bad Wimsbach, Austria
|Wed 22nd July||3-2||Peterhead||Balmoor Stadium,
|Sat 25th July||1-1||Dundee||Dens Park,
|Thu 30th July||7:45pm||SK Sigma Olomouc
|Thu 6th August||7:45pm||SK Sigma Olomouc
Olomouc, Czech Republic
|Sun 9th August||3:00pm||Hull City||KC Stadium,