Privit Of Harry Potter And The Trundling Uglies

We'll start on a Caddy-trip with a bit of 1980s Tannadice….

'Hegarty to Malpas…Malpas back to MacAlpine…MacAlpine to Narey…Narey finds Hegarty…Hegarty looks up field…back to Malpas…back to MacAlpine'

….err we'll go back when something happens.

Tomorrow sees Harry Potter and The Trundling Uglies arrive at the Stadium o the Gods and no doubt given the 'revival' of both clubs, what wi us back conquering Europe (well still being in it after Bonfire Night anyway) and United temporarily back in 3rd, there will be many a reference to one of the most pointless phrases in Scottish Fitba: 'The N** F*** Derby' or even the even dodgier variant they've started using in recent years: 'The North East Derby'.

Now even accounting for my baldness, Fred's gingerness and Caddy's err cad-ness, we're just way too cool on Stand Free tae do anything as sausage jockeyish as, like, say, organisin a campaign to get the media to stop using these phrases…a bit like the Rangers 'No one likes us but we don't care…except when you call us Huns cos that makes us cry you heartless bullying bassas' campaign.

But if after reading this dross you feel the need to email, say, Richard Gordon or Jim ' Spencey' Spence on Sportsound, who should be applauded for both overcoming the dual handicaps of not being OF and unashamed gingerness to reach the top o their professions...well ken that's up tae you like.

Right, first off ye bassa's….IT'S NAE A F*CKIN DERBY, RIGHT?!

The Pikey Rabs derby is wi the Money-Laundering Fun Lovin Criminals o'er the road …ok Alledged Money Laundering Fun Lovin Criminals...and us Aberdonians just dinna do derbies.

Geographically it's no a derby either for god's sake….the two cities are 70 miles apart, if this game is a Derby then United would be playing derby games every second week…the only game that's even less o a derby is us vs Caley (100+ miles for feck's sake).

And as for this 'N** F***' bollocks…in over 25 years I have never heard a single Dons (or for that matter Arab) fan go:

'Aye min ye gaun tae the N** F*** game the morn like?'

It was a phrase coined by the late Ian Archer in 1983 to explain to his mono-braincelled OF readership in his 'Mail on Sunday' column (actually the OF bit was superfluous there…I mean Cuervo reads the MoS) why the gruesomes hadnae swept the board that year.

To be fair to Archer, he's loathed by FF (always a good sign in my book) and he once perfectly summed up the nation's horror/disbelief during our first ever game wi San Marino by saying: 'An hour gone, and we're holding on for a 0-0 with the side of a mountain'.

So stick this N** F*** bollocks up yer collective Archie MacPhersons, ok!

Hang on, have to stop ye there…something mildly interesting has broken out at 80's Tannadice…

'Malpas to Bannon…he strides forwards forward purposefully to the halfway line and…..back to MacAlpine'

Where were we afore that thrilling outbreak of fitba back in the 1980's…oh aye, ramming somethng up Archie MacPherson's arse.

So what do ye call this game? Well if you were wanting to go for something completely out of left field, fit about 'The Aberdeen-United game' or hell just go student whacky prank involvin a feckin traffic cone fantabulous wi 'The United-Aberdeen game'?

Though if yer hell-bent on using an 80's schtick…well they were very much the Cannon to oor Ball, the Little to oor Large, the Duncan Norville to our er…well they're just Duncan Norville really, and the…well I've ran oot o' 80's Saturday Night Light entertainment megastars there…Keith Harris to oor Orville…nah that een disnae work.

One 80's thing that dis work though, perfectly come to think of it, is…'Grampian TV North Tonight'…I mean it was produced, presented and broadcast fae Aberdonia and the Dundonian input was a monosyllabic tomb-faced Dundonian undertaker reading the sports headline fae a storage cupboard…

Dehce' etc etc

Oh hang on!...Quickly back to 80's Tannadice…nah haud on they're only passing it back to MacAlpine again.

Truth is, at best it's a good-humoured inter-city rivalry that starts wi the joke that the best thing to come out the respective cities is the A90 and basically goes downhill fae there.

A la we've got a high tech ecomony that pays for their giros, their main industry is moustache cultivation and white heather/clothes peg sales and as for the men…

We gave the world 'Crombie coats' that helped win World War II…they gave us marmalade...
We gave the world 'The Shamen'…they gave us Deacon Blue etc etc...
We opened Japan to the West…they've got the boat of the guy who got to the South Pole second...
We live in the place regularily voted the best place to live in the UK...their hovel makes Albania on a wet day look alluring… 'Dundee - The City of Discovery'…aye, ye go there and discover how shite it is…
We gave the world the P+J they gave us The Sunday Post….ok, we'll ca' that een a tie.

See what I mean about it going downhill? But the abuse is given and taken in the right spirit on both side…I'm sure our resident House Trained Pikey will be along shortly to abuse us on the lines of 'illiterate tractor-drivin Beverley Hillbillies wi Doric accents chunts…oh and Lee Miller ya bassas'...and fair play to him.

So there ye go, call it fit ye like…just dinna call it the 'N** F***' or certaily dinna feckin call it a derby all right!

Anyways, hows about I actually quit havering and preview the game?

Well as I mentioned in yesterdays Kwattery, I'm struck between the similarities between their first season and Tango's first een with us. Which just goes to show provided you do the basics right and cut oot the silly mistakes you can go fae relegation battlers to UEFA hopefuls in no time at all.
Levein seems to be working to the 'Kick em hard, kick em high an if the ba's there gie that a boot n'all' that worked so well for him at the Pink Bus Shelter, wi two lumbering centre halves and it's only a matter of time before he adds the boots-on-the-elbows giant up front to complete his masterplan.

Given the limited style of play Levein's teams have, it's infuriating that Levein has some kinda voodoo hex on us…his record against us is phenomenal, I genuinely cannae mind a single win (any statto's care to correct me?)

So I hope Tango, instead of trying to second guess him wi some Tombola Tomfoolery, plays it simple with a 442. Defensively slap Rickaldinhio or Mickey on the Ginger Inverurie Hun and get them to stick as close as they can with being charged wi attempted sodomy.

Attack wise, as well as Miller has been playing in recent weeks, hoofing it up to him against Wilkie and Dods will offer little return so have Chris alongside him and get it on the deck and spin and turn those two donkeys and complement that with Aluko and JdV cutting inside off the wings and we'll get heaps o free kicks and inevitably booking and sendings off.

This weeks He-He-Ar then…

Head - 1-1 Heart - 4-1 wi Aluko living up to hype Arse - 1-3 Levein plays it simple and we use the Tombola….

Oh hang on, something genuinely interesting has finally happened….

'Malpas...forward to Bannon…he drives forward…slips past his man….finds Sturrock…back to MacAlpine'…..the f*ckin backpass bastards!

Anyway enjoy the morn and hell who knows, we may even see that most rare of sights at Pittodrie - a non-Old Firm support in four figures….rumour is the gypsy caravan has just left Lochee.

Stand Free n'at

The Red Avenger