That George Orwell's Allegro - A Privet Fae The Red Side

Once again this argument was unanswerable. Certainly the animals did not want Jones back; if the holding of debates on Sunday mornings was liable to bring him back, then the debates must stop. Boxer, who had now had time to think things over, voiced the general feeling by saying: 'If Comrade Napoleon says it, it must be right.' And from then on adopted the maxim, 'Napoleon is always right,'....."

Nah, actually it's a straight lift fae George Orwell - Animal Farm 1945, but you'd be forgive for looking twice, which just goes to show that Orwell's allegory on the Russian Revolution works just as well as an allegory on the Romanov Revolution at the Pink Bus Shelter.

For those Reds who have the misfortune to be cursed wi an IQ level that would embarrass an OF fan, an allegory isnae a type o 70's motor, that was an Allegro...mind you, that works as well come to think of it. They were made by Leyland, purveyors of third rate products with an undeniable naffness about them who ultimately disappeared under a mountain o debt. So Allegros/allegories - they baith work wi the Lithuanian State Circus. [Have I accidentally clicked through to SniffPetrol? - Ed]

Anyway if yer still baffled just make the following changes: Napoleon/Romanov, Snowball/Hartley or Pressley (take yer pick) and Boxer/The Yams and voila! You've pretty much got all Hearts press releases over the last 12 months.

And if all that is still a bit too 'Pseuds Corner' for ye...then once again I refer ye to Beelzebub's now almost epic of 'Iliad' proportions 'Hearts' thread...and Bill Leckie reckons Hearts are unparodiable these days!

Personally I'm finding Romanov a bit of a bore these days...he's like the class clown, ken, funny the first coupla times but an irritating distraction from then on.

Now a healthy dose of paranoia and persecution complex are and essential element of any successful sides make up and I suppose we should take it as a kinda back handed compliment that the paranoia dissembling fae Tynie is almost word for word the same as that used in the Fergie era and beyond by us.

The problem wi paranoia is when you let it cover up your own inadequacies something which shines through in Vlad's rambling. I mean, yes, there were a few dodgy decisions and bookings in their tie wi AEK but it shouldnae cover up the fact that AEK wiped the f*cking floor wi them.

Take his recent rant about refs. Now maybe we have been naive...we've almost assumed that any dodgy refereeing decisions were done solely for the gratitude o the brithers doon the ludge and the pints that would accrue fae that.

Yes the OF do get the majority of the good decisions in games but then that's true of every league in the world...the big teams get the breaks...Man U/Liverpool in England, Real/Barca in Spain and so right down to Kaunas in Lithuania I'm sure.

And that the thing...where was Vlad the Defender of Truth and Justice when Kenny Clark shafted us at Tynecastle by denying us a penalty and awarding Hearts one for a foul two yards outside the box (we even had the skid marks to prove it...aye, on the pitch nae Zander's scuds...mind you he is fae Dumbarton...)? Nowhere to be found. The spoilt kid analogy fits perfectly dontcha think?

As for his ludicrous spat with press...well it is hard to feel sympathy for an industry where character assassination and comparisons to root vegetables are the norm whether it's a Royal or some unfortunate brickie whose bird sold them a 'Love Rat' story, so I dinna really care if he calls them monkeys and his staff give out monkey nuts and bananas.

Many have explained or excused this as 'cultural differences' and I accept there is probably something in this...after all the Lithuanian press has simply gone from lauding Communist big wigs to lauding the oligarchy who's taken over.

Vlad has gone from a press that lauds his every move and lays on sycophancy of the 'even his farts seem of Alpine Meadows' to mixing it wi arguably the free-est of the free press on the plant.

But for Hearts fans to claim their being victimised and to point to the fact Arkwright and Murray have made similar pronouncements yet not received the same sort of coverage ignores the fact that neither of those two have gone about their business in the manner of a Bond Villain as dreamt up by an ITV sitcom writer.

In a self satisfied and congratulatory manner we at Fred Towers can of course point to the fact we predicted all this happening fae the start...admittedly it was a prediction of 'Sun will come up in morning and you'll see the moon at night' variety based on previous Jambo revivals, but we can but gloat.

Though I would like to take this opportunity to apologise unreservedly for suggesting their first team would be sold to Rangers reserves when it was in fact Celtic reserves. I mean as Fred observed it was all there...the hairiness, the paranoia, the gay scarf twirling, the huddles - it was a monumental misjudgement of 'Julian Clary - a bit hetero?' proportions.

I also think we may have got it wrong regarding how it will all end...we jumped on the traditional 'bankruptcy angle'. Now there is an argument for this based on the £28M debt soon to be £40M, a 10M payroll on a turnover that based on the figure Hearts released on what Gordon was being paid on his new deal (£19K a week...the guts of a million a year) which means that 10p in every pound the Yams spend goes to Craig Gordon...it's clearly unsustainable.

But I have my doubts as unlike previous charlatans like Di Stefano, Vlad does control his own destiny. Whilst ego manic, arsehole and fanny are words that can easily be applied to Vlad, stupid certainly isn't one of them and whilst there may be brinksmanship Hearts will always find money to keep the debtors away. He's also not naive enough to known that Edinburgh City Council winna let him knock down Tynie for flats, especially if he's driven Hearts out of business to do so.

Nah I think the truth may be that he's been telling the truth all along about his intentions for Hearts. In his recent statement which most of the media missed cos they had a petted lip about being called monkeys, he reiterated that Hearts were top of a pyramid of clubs.

His strategy is new to fitba but it is closely based on the model in Major League Baseball where all the major clubs have a network of feeder clubs in the 'minor leagues'. It's all fine and dandy for Hearts just now as they sit at the top, but it would be naive of the Yams in the extreme to think they will be the final layer or remain as the apex of this pyramid for ever.

Given his megalomania and massive ego it's is inevitable that Vlad will want to own a 'Major League' club and, with the best will in the world, the SPL will never be 'Major League', for even if we had 12 teams of Brazil 1970 standard [apart fae Hibs of course... - Ed] we simply don't have the TV market to go with it...which is what defines the 'quality' of a league in the 21st Century.

The natural progression would be to gain access to one of these leagues, England being the next logical step. So where currently all the players at Kaunas and Belarus are playing for a move to the Bus Shelter...it would then be a case of Hearts players being sent to Coventry or the likes...maybe even to the Wolves...I'm sure owning both teams that contested that legendary Texaco Cup Final would elevate Vlad into the club-owner echelons wi the likes o Berlusconi and that.

But that would be it for Hearts, just as in the States a Minor League Team can never go to the 'Big Show' then there would be a glass ceiling on Hearts as to how high they could go as they will never be allowed to outshine the team above them, and if they do outperform their betters then the key personnel will be moved en masse in the earliest windows.

Given being able to dream that no matter how outlandish your team could compete on the highest level is what keep fans going...Hearts fans would no longer have this pleasure. If I were them I'd actually look forward to bankruptcy and going through the painful and embarrassing cost cutting they arrogantly thought they could avoid whilst everyone including the OF to a degree had to endure it would be infinitely better than a future like that.

Willie Miller said last week: 'Would you rather be an Aberdeen or a Hearts fan just now?' Nae offence Willie but fit's this 'right now' pish...it's f*cking 'ever' regarding the Yams. I mean come on min...'Texaco Cup Finalists' under 'Trophies Won'...yer haein a laugh right?

Anyway I've fallen into the trap a'bidy does when spikin about Hearts and have havered on far too long on one muppet rather than the team themselves...fit aboot the game?

Well, Hearts games are only just above the Caley ones in the turgidness, two teams that are evenly matched boring each other to death more often than not. Unfortunately and frustratingly for us far too many by a 0-1 scoreline invariably to a soft penalty...so in terms of spectacle dinna expect much and you winna be that disappointed.

As for the Yams, well for all the laughing at the off field crap, on the park they have managed to cut the gap since we last met...and the boy Velijka or fitever he's called looks like an awkward bastard tae handle but should make a good dry run for Russ ahead of the Georgia game.

Obviously wi Vlad and the Tactical Tombola in full effect, making any line up, formation and tactical predictions is f*cking pointless.

I would however offer two lessons which I hope Tango has learned from our defeat in September.

1. Gordon - If we end up taking long shots at him we'll be there all day...we need to get on top of him he disnae like that (though if ye believe the rum....nah better not go there) - that'll mean feeding balls into the box.

2. Bugles - This didnae work last time...it's great in principle but we struggle to adapt and ship a lot of goals quickly when we do change...the perfect example of which was the last Hearts game. If we go behind please don't sound them till the last 10 minutes or so.

As for the crowd, well based on the message board roll call here at Dons-Mad Towers we can exclusively reveal our analysis shows a crowd in excess of 20 will attend the morn's game!

It's a big game the morra and we'll avoid the bog standard appeals for a corking atmosphere as your attendance and supporting the team your way is all we could ask.

Stand Free etc etc

The Red Avenger