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"So why aren't you supporting Rangers against Zenit?"
I think you can safely assume that anyone asking you this isnae a fitba fan or even worse one of those f***wits who thinks Rupert Murdoch invented fitba in 1992. A genuine fitba fan would never ask or even contemplate asking why, because they'd know and understand that fitba is a partisan sport and supporting another team just cos they happen to come from the same country (or, as is invariably asked every two years when England make it to a major championship, the same freaking island - thankfully not an issue this summer…cheers Steve, knew we could rely on you ya useless brolly-toting chunt) isn't automatically done.
Which is why when Gordon Brown came out with his "I support England and Gazza's goal in Euro 96 was my favourite goal ever" bollocks, the reaction amongst Scottish fitba fans was "what the f***?" and down south it was "Aye that'll be right!".
Supporting or hell even being ambivalent to your rivals is an unforgivable heresy of the highest order for genuine fans the world over. Simon Kuper tells the story of going to watch the 1999 Champions League Final in a German Bar, he discovered all the Germans were supporting Man U and all the British Squaddies were supporting Bayern.
Yes, it's small minded, petty and irrational and, yes, given the UEFA co-efficient, a case of cutting yer nose off to spite your face but as any genuine fan will tell you that's precisely what fitba is all about and what makes it the greatest sport on the planet…f***'s sake, if we wanted a sporting atmosphere where 'the game' is the important thing we'd go and watch the egg chasing and - lets face it - rugby is more a homoerotic pursuit than a real sport.
I'll openly admit that I loath Rangers, I despise them 365 days a year, so why in the name of f*** would I support them for a couple of hours?
"Because they're Scottish!" will come the reply.
Really??? Is this the same Rangers we're talking about?
Ok I grant ye they play in the SPL and, as much as I wish it wisnae so, Glasgow is in Scotland, but this is a club who's fans sing about the adventures of a hunchbacked homosexual Dutch Prince fichtin an English King in some feckin Irish bog 300 years ago, a club whose main fanzine regularily refers to Scotland fans as 'Jacobite scum' and whose Chairman (prior to O'Neill and Strachan turning the tables in the Bigotfest) made no secret of his desire to get the f*** out of Scotland for the English leagues and even some half-baked Atlantic league bollocks (not to mention that they poached the national team manager in the middle of a qualifying campaign).
We may all be Jock Tamson's bairns but clearly the Huns are the retarded anti-social ones that a hundred years ago would have been boarded up in a room and left to rot.
Does that make me a bitter and beelin' sheepshagger…guilty as charged m'lud!
Am I just a little bitty jealous? Aye ok, a little bit but I do have two genuine reasons for not wanting them to win.
Firstly, I'm proud as f*** we're the only Scottish side with two European baubles and quite frankly I want it to stay that way until the day we're ready to win our third.
Also a Rangers win would elevate the likes of Kirk Clubfoot (who cannae even take a throw in for f***'s sake) and Nacho Homo onto the same pedestal as God, Peter Weir, Dingus et al. I'm sorry that's just f***ed up and cannot be allowed to happen…the Laudrup, Albertz, hell even their Advocaat era team I could just about accept on the ground that loathsome as they were they could actually play fitba but this negative shower of pish and donkeys….get to f***.
Secondly, it's them.
It's kinda like when England get to a major championship, them winning it wouldnae be that bad in itself it's the accompanying bollocks you know is coming afterwards in the media and from them. The Huns are a deluded arrogant bunch of bastards to begin with, give them a Euro Bauble to boast about and I'm telling ye emigrating to Helmand Province will seem very frigging attractive come Friday morning should the worst come to the worst.
Still not convinced? Imagine Chick Young's (St Mirren fan) verbal masturbation if they do it …then imagine it continuing until, well the end of time really…frightening stuff! That one-way ticket to Kabul is looking more attractive now eh?
So don't be ashamed if they call you petty and small minded, you're doing the right thing tomorrow night…supporting Zenit.
Any genuine football fan (I suspect even the Huns) will understand…those that don't and seek to condemn you for feeling and thinking the way you do….well F*** 'EM - they're nae real fitba fans anyway.
Oh and afore some chunt starts, I felt exactly the same way about the hooped minks five years ago.
Now, what's the Russian for "F***'s sake! Get into these Hun c*nts!"?
The Red Avenger